


Pain

by raeinspace



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2013-08-30
Packaged: 2018-06-06 19:51:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6767563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raeinspace/pseuds/raeinspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina has been feeling depressed. A short, completed story with self-harming scenes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain

AN: The dark work of sleep depravation. There is no other excuse.  
Disclaimer: I don’t own Once Upon a Time or the characters, etc.  
~~  
Regina found Graham’s hunting knife. The same one had once held to her throat and threatened her with. She had collected it along with his other possessions, after he died. There was no-one else to ask for them.  
She was worn out. Tired from fighting. The townspeople just looked right through her now. They were no longer considered her a scary Queen – they had too many other problems to worry about and they no longer cared what happened to her. Now when she passed them she turned away so that they wouldn’t see her eyes filling with tears at her loneliness.   
Regina ran a finger down the edge of the blade, smiling when she found it was still sharp enough to draw blood easily. She is sat in the corner of her kitchen, on the floor because she feels safer there, out of sight, almost like hiding. Regina pressed the knife to the outside of her arm and lightly drew it down across the skin. A thin drop of blood followed it, such a bright red colour that it hypnotised her. She had numbed the arm so that it wouldn’t hurt. Now she regretted it. She wanted to feel the pain.  
She ignores the knocking at her door, intent on pressing the knife against her other arm to make a parallel mark. The sight of more blood captures her attention so thoroughly she doesn’t hear or see Emma enter through the unlocked back door.  
Emma stares at the sight in front of her in shock, before grabbing a couple of clean-looking towels.   
“Where did you get this?” Emma asks, taking the knife from her. “It’s not the type you keep in you kitchen.”  
“It’s Graham’s.” She answers, as Emma presses the towels to her skin, obscuring her view of the wounds.  
Her voice is distant as she cannot completely focus on the reality of her situation.  
“Why do you have it?”  
“Who else would want it? I let him keep it from his old life – back in the Enchanted Forest.”  
Emma wants to keep her talking while she figures out what to do. Should she call for an ambulance? Would Archie be the best person to deal with Regina like this?  
Regina pushes the towels off her arms and looks up at Emma.  
“You need to keep them on, to stop the bleeding.” Emma tells her.  
“They aren’t deep. Look, they’ve stopped already.”  
“Why did you do it?”  
Regina blinks and shakes her head to clear her thoughts. “What are you doing in my house?”  
“I came to check on you.”  
“You’re breaking and entering.”  
“I’m the Sheriff.”  
“Unless you heard screams for help you have no right to be here.”  
“I’m just going to call Archie and have him come over. Do you want me to call Dr. Whale to look at your arms?”  
Regina stood up, supporting herself on the kitchen cabinets. “I want you to leave.”  
“What you’re doing…”  
Regina ran her fingers over her arms, extending a healing spell over the red lines. “I’m fine. I had an accident with the knife, nothing serious.”  
“Liar.”  
Regina rolled her eyes. “Return my knife and get out.”  
“You need help.”  
“Not from you and certainly not from anyone else in this town.”  
“I understand how you feel…”  
Regina pushed away from the counter and grabbed Emma by the throat, holding her against the oven. “You have no idea how I feel and if you tell anyone, anyone, what you think you know you will regret it.”  
She released Emma and reclaimed Graham’s knife before Emma could realise what she had done. Emma raised a hand to her throat, as if checking that Regina had let go, and quickly left. Regina looked down at the knife. Once upon a time it was supposed to have cut out Snow White’s heart. Now she just wished it would remove hers.

Chapter 2.

It was only in her dreams when she died over and again that she felt alive. At least in death, she told herself, she might finally have a chance to live.  
She dreamt that the townspeople captured her and pierced her body with arrows – something Snow White had been too weak to do. She dreamt that Rumplestiltskin attacked her for hiding Belle from him, killing her before his precious love could find them.   
That night the dreams began as usual. This time Sydney was out for revenge for making him kill the King. Before he could stab her heart with a sharpened mirror shard, Emma appeared.   
“Just do it.” She told him.  
But Emma ran over and knocked him unconscious. She looked down at Regina and held out a hand.  
“Come on.”  
Regina shook her head.  
“Do you want to die?” Emma asked.  
“Just leave me, you shouldn’t be here.”  
“I came to save you.”  
“Because you’re the saviour? Everyone’s Knight in shining armour?”  
“It’s your dream Regina.”  
“And I don’t want you in it.” She looked over at Sydney, willing him to wake up.  
“Do you have any idea how messed up this is?”  
“More messed up than being alone? My True Love is dead. My father is dead and now my mother…”  
“Henry is still alive.”  
“He’s yours now. Never really was mine, I guess.” Regina smiled as Sydney stood up. “If you don’t mind, I have to die now.”  
Sydney pushed Emma roughly out of the way and stabbed Regina.  
“No!”  
Regina could hear Emma’s voice after the mirror entered her chest. She closed her eyes and smiled as the feelings of peacefulness washed over her.  
The dream continued. She felt Emma lift her body up and carry it over to a bed that had once stood in her room at the palace.   
“Do you feel better now?” Emma whispered to her, stroking her hair away from her face.  
Regina found the strength to grab the shard and pull it from her body. She held it out to Emma.  
“Again?”  
In her dreams no-one every cried for her, but now Emma did.   
“Please, just end the pain.” Regina begged her, pressing the mirror towards her hands.  
Emma grabbed the blood-covered item and threw it across the room. “No, you don’t get to do this.”  
She grabbed Regina’s shoulders and shook her. “Wake up!”

Chapter 3.

“Wake up!” The words echoed from her dreams as Regina opened her eyes.  
As she adjusted, she realised that she was in her bedroom and she was not alone. Emma was standing nearby, holding a dream catcher over her and Archie was seated near the door.  
Regina reacted without thinking. She used her magic to grab the gun from Emma’s holster and aimed it at the Sheriff as she sat up.  
“What are you doing?”   
Emma slowly lowered the dream catcher and looked over at Archie. “We’re here to help you.”  
“I explicitly told you that I don’t need your help.”  
“Self-harming is a cry for help…” Archie began.  
“Self-harming? Why would I want to do such a thing?” Regina tried to sound shocked at the idea.  
“Your arms…” Emma interrupted.  
“Are unharmed.” Regina reminded her.  
“Your dreams…”  
“Are private Miss. Swan, and just dreams.”  
“Emma is worried about you.”   
“So you thought you would break into my room with a gun and dream catcher to what? Make me frightened? I don’t know what she told you cricket, but she is clearly showing signs of instability. Perhaps you should take her somewhere private and analyse her.”  
“Look…”  
“No, you look. This is my room, in my house. It is private property.”  
“Regina…”  
Regina grabbed at the dream catcher and brought it for a closer inspection. “What does this do? It’s got magic… hmmm. So you got a spell from Rumplestiltskin to invade my dreams. What did this dangerous piece of magic cost you?”  
“It’s not dangerous.”  
“All magic come with a price and a deal with Rumplestiltskin should have you counting your body parts after.”  
“It was a gift. He feels bad about what happened to your mother…”  
Regina’s laugh cut her off. “If you believe that you’re more naïve than I thought.”  
“You’re avoiding the issue.”  
“Feeling angry, are we? Blood rushing through your veins, temperature rising…”  
“You just begged me to kill you in a dream!”  
“And now I’m pointing your gun at you.”  
“I don’t think this is working.” Archie told Emma.  
Regina rolled her eyes. “Round of applause for the shrink.”  
“Regina, Emma and I are going to leave now. If you want to talk, call me and I will try to help you.”  
“Goodbye.” Regina told him as he walked out of the room.

Chapter 4.

Emma waited for Regina to return her gun. When it was back in her hands she looked down at it.  
“Thinking about shooting me with it?” Regina asked.  
“No.” Emma quickly put it away.  
“Are you sure?” Regina raised her hands and trapped Emma in a cocoon of magic.  
Keeping tight control on her powers she made Emma take the gun back out of her pocket.  
“Stop it Regina. I don’t want to shoot you.”  
“Then why is the gun in your hands pointing at me?”  
“Archie!”  
“He can’t hear you.”  
“You don’t have to die to be happy.”   
“Living hasn’t made me happy.”  
“All that fairytale drama, it’s not part of the real world.”  
“Your real world, as you call it, was the perfect setting to curse anyone who was ever happy.”  
Emma closed her eyes. There had to be someway to stop Regina.   
“Don’t worry, Henry won’t blame you. He’ll think you killed the evil Queen as part of your destiny.”  
“I don’t want you dead Regina.”  
“That’s what your mother said, but she was happy destroying my life.”  
“I can prove it.”  
“How?”  
“I can break your spell.”  
“You can’t control your magic.”  
“I’m a child of True Love. Love breaks any spell.”  
“Henry isn’t here to save you.”  
“Not Henry, Regina. You.”  
“What?”  
Emma lowered the gun as she broke the spell. “I can’t kill you because I’m in love with you. That’s why I broke into your house. Twice. Why I was so desperate to help you that I went to Mr Gold and Archie. It’s why I’m here now and it’s why I stayed in Storybrooke. I’ve been waiting for you to realise it and tell me if you felt the same way. My plans got a little sidetracked when the curse broke.”  
“Nice try, but I’m not falling for that.”  
Emma walked over to the bed and Regina shrank away from her.   
“It’s okay. I just want to prove it to you.” Emma explained, leaning in to kiss her.  
Regina allowed their lips to touch. As they did she felt a kind of magic fill her from the inside. It warmed her and chased back the dark shadows from her heart. Thoughts of death fled from the kiss and she closed her eyes, reaching out to draw Emma closer. Her mind filled with reasons to keep living.  
When the kiss was complete, Emma found herself kneeling on the bed in front of Regina.   
“Now do you believe me?” She asked.  
Regina nodded. “I feel… different.”  
“Good or bad different?”  
“Like I can’t imagine why I would have wanted to die.”  
“Is that all?” Emma bit her bottom lip and smiled hopefully at her.  
“No.” Regina reached out to hold her hand. “But I want to make sure Archie really left before I continue.”  
“You could always use your magic to check.” Emma reminded her.  
Regina quickly sent out a light magical probe to scan the house. “He’s gone.”  
“Good. Now what did you want to say?”  
“It wasn’t what I wanted to say. It was more what I wanted to do…” Regina trailed off, raising Emma’s hand to her lips. “Did you have any plans for this afternoon?”  
Emma shook her head, not trusting her voice.   
“Then would you mind staying here with me. To make sure I have made a full recovery? Suddenly I want to engage in some living.”  
And perhaps, if it didn’t work out with Emma, if Snow White tried to interfere again, she now had a way to cause Snow White just as much pain as she had suffered. Death would have to wait to claim her. She had just remembered who she really was.  
Emma brushed her lips against Regina’s ear to whisper to her. “I’d be happy to help.”  
Regina had finally found her reason to live.

~Fin.~ 26-08-13 @ 02.21am

Alternate Chapter 4.

Regina dropped the gun onto the bed.  
“Pick it up and get out.”   
“Regina…”  
“I have nothing to say to you.”  
Emma reached out and picked up the gun. Then she backed out of the room slowly.  
“If you come here uninvited again I will call the police outside this town and ask them to arrest you.” Regina called after her.  
When the front door closed, Regina walked to the window to check both Emma and Archie were leaving. She saw Snow White standing at the end of the driveway, waiting for them. Snow looked up and saw her, so Regina just turned away and went back to her bed. She lay down and curled herself up into a tight ball. Closing her eyes, she allowed the tears to fall freely down her cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away.   
Everything was going wrong.   
Rumplestiltskin had promised her a happy ending, but she was just as miserable as before the curse. Only this time she had lost another person she had grown to love: Henry. And she had lost her mother. When she realised that her fathers death was required to enact the curse, she had struggled with the decision. In the end, it had been her fathers words that tipped her over the edge. He told her he wanted her to be happy. Rumplestiltskin had promised her that she would be happy.   
Regina’s hands curled into tight fists. Her mother had wanted her to be happy and had killed Daniel. She wanted Daniel to be happy and had agreed to run away with him. If she hadn’t, if she had only lied and told her mother that she knew it was just a crush that would eventually fade maybe he would still be alive. If she hadn’t adopted Henry, he would never have brought Emma to Storybrooke. If she hadn’t trusted Snow White…none of this would have happened. Her mother might still have killed Daniel, but she wouldn’t have hated Snow enough to cast the curse and would still have both her parents. Her husband would never have loved her, but she could have begun an affair with Sydney. He had loved her. If she hadn’t hated Snow, then she would have loved her too.   
It all came back to that first betrayal. Now everyone hated her, because she had become just like her mother. She had used her magic to hurt and kill and she knew there was no turning back.   
Regina reached a hand under her pillow and brought out Graham’s hunting knife. No-one would mourn her. They probably wouldn’t even notice she wasn’t there anymore. Perhaps when the flowers began to die from neglect, or they realised they couldn’t run the town without her they’d come looking. Emma would probably be the one to find her.   
She twisted the knife around in her hands, looking at the shiny blade. She made a small cut on her hand, testing herself. It hurt, a lot, but there wasn’t much blood. Regina turned her wrist and drew it down the back of her arm in a wiggling line, watching the pattern of blood erupt across her skin. She considered stopping and writing a note, but what could she say? They’d find her eventually. They’d know what she’d done. She’d be beyond caring by then.  
Regina held the knife over her chest, remembering her dream and picturing Sydney holding the knife.


End file.
